Bewitched State of Ms. Parris Caused by Bigfoot

By Richard Wood

Recently, eye-witnesses have reported to us at the Bostonian Enquirer that Betty Parris, the daughter of Salem’s own Reverend Samuel Parris, had an affair with the once believed to be mythical Bigfoot.  When interviewed about the topic, our very own reporter John B. Applebottom received testimony from Ms. Parris, revealing the true cause of her unconscious state prior to the infamous Salem Witch Trials.  It has been well known that Ms. Parris had participated in Witchcraft rituals, and it was believed that it was for her meddling with evil spirits that she had been placed in a bewitched state.  However, Ms. Parris told Applebottom that she had been physically assaulted by her boyfriend at the time, Mr. Bigfoot.  Midway through the ritual, Ms. Parris slid away to get some alone time with Bigfoot.  However, upon arrival to his lair, Ms. Parris found him to be highly intoxicated.  Already in a state of rage from recent financial situations, Bigfoot soon became infuriated with Ms. Parris for her want of attention.  Bigfoot struck her in the side of the head with an empty bottle of home-brewed Moonshine.  Ms. Parris then scrambled from the lair and returned to the ritual site, unaware of the severity of her injury.  Although there were no external signs of harm, the blow to the head had caused momentary brain damage.  After a short split during the Witch Trials, Bigfoot contacted Ms. Parris, apologizing for his actions.  The two soon reunited, dating for another 9 months.  At the end of which, Bigfoot proposed to Ms. Parris, who ecstatically agreed.  The two are scheduled to tie the knot on December 12, 1694.  We at the Bostonian Enquirer will cover this wedding and have more information on a later date.